Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dizzy

Have you ever been so conflicted emotionally that it manifests itself physically?  I am a massage therapist. I understand that we humans can internalize emotional turmoil, but eventually our bodies will betray us.  Pains and aches that can be attributed to stress. I have recognized this in my own life often enough. But something different happened to me last night.

For more than a year, I've been stewing, and praying, and (I'll confess) worrying about two different issues, mainly centering on two questions: "Who do I want my kids to be?" and "Who do I want to be?" And how do I get there?  I'm having trouble committing. Public school, private school, or home school? Keep my massage therapy license or not?  I don't need to rehash everything here on my blog. But yesterday it all came out.  

I was sitting in the beautiful sunshine at the homeschool co-op, chatting with friends. Those of us with toddlers spend a lot of time at the play ground. We get good ideas and share stories for three-hours while our littlest kids get some serious wiggle time. It's always a wonderful time. I'm inspired by and encouraged by them. And I want to be like them. 

Then, after co-op, I had an appointment to look at an office space to rent. It was really beautiful, and the massage space was truly fantastic.  It's in a holistic wellness center, addressing Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical needs.  It would be affordable enough for me to work 2 days per week. The woman heading up the effort is a sincere Christian, and I love her heart!  Another person I admire.   
 
As I was cooking dinner, I could almost feel myself careening toward depression. Praying about how this all fits into my life, talking with these wonderful women, imagining the varying outcomes of whatever I decide to do, asking God to reveal His will. Waiting. Praying. Worrying. Repenting. Trusting. Waiting. It had been spinning around in my heart, soul, and mind so long.  When I closed my Bible last night, and leaned my head back on the chair... I was literally dizzy.  The room was spinning.

I shared a little with my husband. Napped a bit in my cozy chair in front of the fireplace. Shuffled off to bed. I awoke hours later to hear my husband getting ready for work at 3:30 a.m.  I asked him to pray for me, and share any opinions. I think he knows that God can work me through this better than any of his suggestions.  He did suggest meeting up with a Military Family Life Consultant. They'd meet me at McDonald's and the kids can play while I get free counseling.  Help me in my decision making process. 

But now that my head is a bit more clear, and I've digested some of the words that were offered to me by friends, and thoughts that were presented by God, I am realizing a few things, pretty or not:

1) I want someone else to be responsible for my children; better said, "I need a break!"
2) I am clinging to an old identity
3) I am not trusting God with my tomorrow (What if I become a widow? What if Troy doesn't get promoted?)

[Disclaimer: These are NOT thoughts I project on other people when I hear them talking about sending their own children to school, or who try to balance work with kids, or retain their professional license. Please do not be offended by what is going on in MY spiritual journey.  It's where God is taking ME, not where I think EVERYONE should go. Thanks.]

I'm betting that hiring a babysitter or getting Spencer in pre-school a couple of days a week might do wonders for my stamina. And I also know he'll love it. 

So now, I'm looking to visit some verses that are the TRUTH for this situation. And I'm open to suggestions! I am meditating on Matthew 6:33-34:

   33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I'm also excited to start an online book discussion starting in February, hosted by my friend, Grey.  We're reading Captivating. Here's how she pitched the book discussion on FB, with a quote from the book:

"A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become. In her presence, we can release tension and pressure that so often grips our hearts. We can also breathe in the truth that God loves us and He is good." --Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

I am SO IN!  If anyone else is interested in a read-a-long, or has done one before, let me know of an online platform that works well for group discussion.  We're starting soon!

Oh, and by the way... I'm no longer dizzy.  I'm certain I was overwhelmed. Thank God HE knows what will become of this!

In other news... some Food, Fun, and Family stuff...
Chicken Tortilla Soup. Heavenly.

It snowed in the lobby of Great Wolf Lodge at story time!

Wily the Wolf.

First recipe I've tried from Pinterest.

Just now.
Should probably get some pants on the potty monster before we have a puddle.
Those are "light sabers."




3 comments:

  1. Awesome, Gloria. Thanks for your honesty! I sometimes question myself about sending our kids to (gasp!) public school, but only when I'm talking to home school moms. I truly know they are in the right place. Just keep asking Jesus what He wants for YOU.

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  2. If we were in a better school district, I wouldn't hesitate so much! But... it's not so pretty down here... and with us potentially and perpetually moving every two or three years, subject continuity wouldn't be a problem if I was the one teaching the boys. At least while they're younger. I'm trusting the Lord will really let me know if I'm doing the WRONG thing. He's good like that! Thanks for your support!

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  3. I believe that as a mother and wife we are often identifying ourselves as MOM and WIFE. It is so hard to try and find your new identity and let the old one (the one before we were moms) go.

    I admire you very much.

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